I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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