Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
