I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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