I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
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Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
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i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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