the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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