Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Hippo gnu deer
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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