Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My bed smells like the plague
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
