Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
