She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
