i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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