I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
