What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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