just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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