well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
