How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
