So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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