Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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