the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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