Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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