God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize