Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
