He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
