So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
