its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
