I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
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Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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