Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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