I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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