i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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