I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
