did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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