Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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