break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
