Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
