wrigley field is MILF paradise
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
