I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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