You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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