I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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