Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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