Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
