I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
