Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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