My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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