Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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