I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
