last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
