Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
