You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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