hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
