put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I pour the whiskey from now on
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
