She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
