I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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