Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
