and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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