If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
