i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
