My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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