My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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