A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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