I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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